Discontent.

This sadness inside of me is killing me. I am literally dying inside. And it hurts so badly. I want so much to be the person that my grandmother wants me to be. I want so badly to be a woman that she approves of and yet nothing that I do is good enough and will ever be good enough and it hurts tremendously.

I pray so hard for strength.. for patience.. for everything. I pray for guidance and clarity. I bite my tongue and hold back tears everyday because the words that she slings at me with such malice hurt me to the depths of my soul.

I am fighting to urge to hate her. Simply because she is the woman who raised me and therefore I know that she must feel some type of love for me but it hurts so badly. It cuts so deeply. I try so hard and yet I fail miserably at being a good person in her eyes.

It all just builds up and when it comes out, my anger and my confusion and my resentment spews out and I cannot control it. I am so afraid of the day that I cannot control how I feel.

And everyday it gets worse because with each day that passes, I feel nothing but disgust. The sight of her sickens me. Her voice turns my stomach. And I don't know what to do because I know that its wrong and I shouldn't feel this way towards someone who has done so much for me and yet I do because with every breath, she tries to break my spirit. I will never do enough. I will never be enough. I have living in the shadows of my mother's mistakes my entire life and I'm beginning to feel eclipsed.

I have no one to talk to. No one who understands. Every person that I go to in my family tells me that what I feel is wrong. I am wrong. She is right. She is older. She is stuck in her ways. And so, her means are justified. It is her way of showing love. Maybe that is why my view of love is so irreversibly damaged because if this love then what does hate look like?

With every argument, every insult, every slur... I come closer to my breaking point.

I don't know what to do.

The easy solution would be to simply move out and that's what I long to do... to just move away, start over, pretend that I don't even have a family. Go to a place where no one knows my name and re-build but at the same time the fear of not being here when my grandparents need me, it keeps me chained to them. I know that if I'm not here, then no one else will be because whether she sees it or not, my grandmother has driven so many people away. A phone call... a quick visit... this is what her children and grandchildren limit themselves to because they know who she really is. And then other times, I feel that they don't know. That they just block it out with a smile and a shake of their head and pretend that it doesn't matter but it does.

I can't live like this. I can't be productive in this environment. I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel like I'm drowning in my own resentment. This is no escape, no outlet, no one to tell me that I'm not crazy and I'm not overreacting.

No one and nowhere for me to give my burdens to...
So I just continue to hold it in.

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What annoys you most about lesbians???

Lesbians always have alot of bullshit and drama going on plus most can't fuck you worth a damn. I'm just not with it... lol

Ask me anything

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If you could eliminate one thing you do each day in the bathroom so you never had to do it again, what would it be?

Umm, what? I mean... I wish I never had to clean the tub again.. I guess, lol.

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Ask me anything http://formspring.me/EssenceSoSick

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If you could attend any concert, what would it be?

An MTV Unplugged session with Tupac, Biggie, Nas, Jay-Z with Questlove on the drums [Of course, lol].

Ask me anything

I don't wanna grow up cuz baby if I did...

Ugh, the first day is always the longest day...
There's no studying yet...
No books to read...

And now that I'm on the wagon, there's nothing for me to do to take up my spare time. And so I blog...

*hugs blog* Thanks blog, thanks for always being there for me...

On top of being tired as hell from waking up at 6 am, the weather is rainy and very sucky. Has me wanting to crawl back into my bed ASAP.

Surprisingly the Morgan women are still dressed in heels and little ass jackets. It's too cold for all that shit. Toss me a hoodie and a heavy coat... Essence doesn't do rain.

Guess I'll get back to my scholarly grind...

Smooches.

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Legacy or Leaving A Mark.... Which one?

Legacy... something that my daughther can be proud of. A mark can be erased but a legacy is forever.

If you had 10 mins left on earth what would u do?

Pray.

What is the most intimate poem u ever written?

Intimate? Hmm.. I'd say this piece called 'Yearning'.

Ask me anything

School Daze...

Another semester begins tomorrow. I'm not sure how I feel. Honestly, I feel like a huge loser most of the time. I've wasted so much time, allowing myself to wallow in so much hurt. Everytime I feel like I'm getting on the right track, I crack under pressure or get distracted [usually by choice...]

I'm pretty much over that.

I'm ready to get to the point in my life when I'm accomplishing things and being proud of myself. I feel like I'm getting there but as always, I'm standing in my own way. Forever hurting myself. Always killing my own dreams.

I've had so many amazing ideas, so many amazing opportunities... the excitment builds and then the dedication fades. I have no follow through... nothing pushes me. I've pushed myself for so long, it's kinda like I want someone else to do it for a while. But who? I don't have anyone. Friends, yes... and I love them. But its not like having a family that believes in you and pushes you. It's nothing like that.

I'll just hope for the best. Try not to expect the worst. And just push.

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What was the weirdest gift you ever received?

My aunt gave me a $1 scratch off for Christmas. So serious.

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Feels Good to be Home... :-)

Wow... I haven't written in forever.
It's amazing what stress and heartache can do to a person's drive...

*sigh*

The last few months have been crazy to say the absolute least. But things are starting to look up a bit. Only slightly but some progress is better than none.

I don't really have much to say right now. Just writing to write. It feels good to just write sometimes. Let my thoughts flow. I wrote a new piece. Inspired by my relatively new single life.... Enjoy.

Curious.

They say curiousity killed the cat
but could sex kill the friendship?
That's the question we both ask ourselves
as we spend nights whispering sweet nothings
and seductive somethings to one another.
Wondering what the outcome could have been
if we had zigged instead of zagged
on the road that lead us into our friendship.
And you are my friend
but I still can't help but to imagine
our lips brushing and my nails raking across your skin
Conversations once filled with stories of everyday life
are now overflowing with lust
and its hard to admit to myself that
I want you this bad.
Every wink, every smile, every word
takes on a new meaning
as we venture down this mysterious path
Areas of our friendship that were once
simply black and white
are now bursting with color
and though my excitement threatens to overwhelm me
I find myself holding back.
The thought of losing your friendship
is more than I can bear
but the idea of expressing my platonic love
in a physical way
tantalizes my senses and continues to draw me in.
So as we wander down this
unfamiliar road together
my curiousity continues to grow
Perhaps because the destination
to us, is still unknown.