4.20.09

So today is 4/20 [aka the best holiday EVER!] and I've been enjoying a little herbal stimulation. Right now I'm watching Spike Lee's Jungle Fever [Classic.] I love this movie. It just brings to light so many issues other than interracial dating. Drug use. Self esteem. Parenting. Voting. Gender. Affirmative Action. So many issues...

But anyways, in honor of 4/20, I'm gonna "freestyle". Just put pen to pad and write. Whatever comes out, comes out. No revisions. Nothing. So, let's go...

I'm the daughter of a dope fiend
A motherless child who
never got a chance to be a kid
too busy worrying about Mommy
and her tragic drug habit
Frustrated when money goes missing but
blaming myself because
I should know better.
I already know that if it comes down to
the drugs or me
then I gotta go
because Momma needs her fix.
Has your mother ever gotten down on her knees
and begged you to return the dope
that she dropped on the living room carpet?
Ever hated herself for feeding her habit
Giving her money
Consoling her tears
I watched my mother kill herself slowly
Watched her body shrivel into nothing
because of the poison that she loved
to inject into her veins.
Yes, I was a motherless child long before
the heroin took her life.
I lost her at a young age.
Loved her so much that
for two years I could barely admit
that I missed her
Unable to acknowledge the
significance of her absence
I totally shut down.
I wouldn't allow myself to feel the pain.
I miss her.
I miss my dope fiend mother.
I miss my alcoholic mother.
I am tired of carrying around this void.
I hate feeling so empty
Feeling as if life is over
because I don't have her
I hate to admit that more losts will come
Instead I block it out
I block it out with a shot of vodka
or a few kisses from Mary Jane
Making everything alright again.